Friday, July 15, 2011

Wedding Belle Blues

There are so many good things about transitioning, and such a big relief to finally be yourself that at first some of the long regrets in life don't seem to matter.  Regrets in life come from plans and dreams you had for so long but never had the chance to see them reach reality, or maybe you had the chance but you flunked it.

When I was small, one of the things I dearly loved to do was go and sit in Mom's room, just to go and sit and dream.  It was so different in there, so grown up.  The few times I got to be alone there, I wanted to try on Mom's perfume, her makeup, her shoes and occasionally I had the chance - pure bliss!  There was also a framed photo of Mom on her wedding day on her dresser.  She looked so pretty.  And those were my plans and dreams.    Yes I know it sounds awfully naive and corny, but when you are 9 your horizons reflect the people you love the most.

Soon the reality of puberty kicked in.  By the time I was in High School I could no longer try on Mom's shoes without feeling guilty and ashamed.  I was horrified that I seemed to me morphing into some sort of alien being in front of my eyes, literally, in the mirror.  When you are young you can pass easily as a girl, even if you are born a boy.  At nine years old while other boys at school wanted to be footballers and astronauts I hoped to somehow grow up to have a lovely wedding, to be a Mom and maybe if I was lucky have children. Later, adolescence and a thorough understanding of where babies come from would mean a hard awakening from that dream!

Growing up as a teen and knowing full well that I couldn't realize those dreams was the hardest, unkindest, cruelest test of them all and one that by the time I was 18 had almost brought an end to my life.

Somehow I managed.  I found the best ways of coping.  I trained as a Kindergarten teacher, I married my best friend (though I wasn't the one holding the bouquet).  I was a close as I possibly could be to the birth of my two lovely daughters and their daily care. I rejoiced in every icky moment, bliss.

Now, six years into my transition, can I afford to start dreaming again?  Get real girl, you're 53.  Too late to do white weddings! Okay, so my new BFF got divorced and then remarried shortly before her 50th, miracles DO happen. Laura Nyro sang: 'I love you Bill, I always will...' in her take on the 'Wedding Belle Blues'.  I only know one Bill and I don't actually fancy him. So where does that leave me?  Maybe I should re-use the song title.  Mine though will be a husky voiced blues, not a Laura Nyro soul track.  In the meantime I can carry on dreaming at least.

If you're reading this and your not cis and already done the wedding, husband and kids bit, what were or are your dreams?  I'd love to know.

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