When I was small, one of the things I dearly loved to do was go and sit in Mom's room, just to go and sit and dream. It was so different in there, so grown up. The few times I got to be alone there, I wanted to try on Mom's perfume, her makeup, her shoes and occasionally I had the chance - pure bliss! There was also a framed photo of Mom on her wedding day on her dresser. She looked so pretty. And those were my plans and dreams. Yes I know it sounds awfully naive and corny, but when you are 9 your horizons reflect the people you love the most.
Growing up as a teen and knowing full well that I couldn't realize those dreams was the hardest, unkindest, cruelest test of them all and one that by the time I was 18 had almost brought an end to my life.
Somehow I managed. I found the best ways of coping. I trained as a Kindergarten teacher, I married my best friend (though I wasn't the one holding the bouquet). I was a close as I possibly could be to the birth of my two lovely daughters and their daily care. I rejoiced in every icky moment, bliss.
Now, six years into my transition, can I afford to start dreaming again? Get real girl, you're 53. Too late to do white weddings! Okay, so my new BFF got divorced and then remarried shortly before her 50th, miracles DO happen. Laura Nyro sang: 'I love you Bill, I always will...' in her take on the 'Wedding Belle Blues'. I only know one Bill and I don't actually fancy him. So where does that leave me? Maybe I should re-use the song title. Mine though will be a husky voiced blues, not a Laura Nyro soul track. In the meantime I can carry on dreaming at least.
If you're reading this and your not cis and already done the wedding, husband and kids bit, what were or are your dreams? I'd love to know.