Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Mirror Mirror

Ever since I was little I've had this love/hate relationship with mirrors.  Mirrors reflect what they see but it's not necessarily what you see yourself as or what you feel you are inside.  We all want reassurance that we are what we think we are.  One of the first things we do on a morning (if we can bring ourselves to do it) is look in the mirror and we probably think 'arghhh'.  No make up, no moisturizer, hair a mess,  well who IS the fairest of them all? certainly not me first thing on a morning.  Snow White?  This is no fairytale but we all hope that we don't look like the wicked stepmother or even worse the pantomime ugly sisters.

Mirror, Mirror...

Back when I was little, my favorite fairytale was Cinderella.  What transgendered child wouldn't love it?  The lovely girl is hidden away and everybody says that nobody will like her or want her.  In the end she gets her chance, a gorgeous ballgown, glass heels, a princess entrance and a dance with the guy of her dreams.  But just how breathtakingly exposed DID she feel walking into that ballroom, fearing that all the time someone would recognize her for what she really was, or what people thought she was? The ultimate fear of discovery and people 'finding out' is threaded through that story and one that captivated me and filled me with dread as a transgendered child.  In the end of course it all gets better.  Though nobody can quite believe it, those glass high heels are hers and they do actually fit. She gets the guy, the fairytale wedding and then we're on the final page.

I never got tired of reading that story and my rather cheaply illustrated version soon got very tatty though the story kept fresh and sparkling inside me.  I pretty well thought that it would never be my story though.  I was very sure of that, little boys who want to be princesses are frowned on now and it was no different back then.

But what of the Fairy Godmother?  Who was she? Where did she come from and how did she work her magic? Come to that, how did you get your own personal Fairy Godmother?  Oh it was all very easy in stories but even though I hoped I would one day grow up to be a girl I knew that didn't believe in magic.

By the time I found myself talking to my first therapist over six years ago I was aware that I needed to find some way of living full time as who I really was.  For six months I'd been living a sort of unhappy half life of being neither male nor female, unhappy to be seen in public as identifiably female and yet deeply unhappy to be male either.  I'm aware that some people prefer that, refusing to be categorized as one gender or the other. That's not me, I've always felt like a girl and I know I always will do.  That left me with the problem of how I could possibly be out and female without some sort of FG.

She appeared out of the blue, hair clips pinned to her tunic and with a pair of scissors which she used like a magic wand.  Josie simply accepted me as another client and got on (chattily) with the whole business of restyling my hair.  There were no intrusive questions, no inappropriate comments, just friendliness.

Josie changed my life in less than two hours and all in front of a mirror that reflected much (but not all) I had hated for so long.  I went in to see her with a tousled mess of wavy curly brown hair and came out with hair that looked longer inspite of being cut, was gorgeous and neat, feminine and stylish.  I looked like I'd had longer hair which had been bob cut and styled rather than some wannabe who was desperately trying to grow out her hair.  I couldn't believe it and looking back it still seems like magic.  There were other friends who gave me fashion advice, went shopping with me, bought perfume, shoes and cosmetics but Josie stands out as the head fairy, the one who changed everything.

Josie is still my Fairy Godmother.  She puts my hair in foils, colors, styles brushes and simply makes me feel happy to be me.  Josie taught me how to blow dry my hair straight, how to care for it and love it. If that isn't true FG magic, I don't know what is.

A couple of years ago at Christmas I spent an inordinate amount of money on a VOH red Dior New Look 50's style luxury dress, put more red in my hair and went to the ball.  I danced until midnight and had more compliments than I've ever had in my whole life.  Cinderella never had so much fun.

I'm aware that most trans guys and girls have transformation stories.  I hope you enjoyed mine, why not share yours.  Thanks for reading <3 xx

1 comment:

  1. that a amazing story tears to came to my eyes