My partner Martin just blogged about dilation. I love him so much. It takes one very special guy to fall in love with you and wait for you until you can. Until you can? Until you can what? Life is full of disappointments they say, it's also full of euphemisms and innuendo; well, grown up life at least. When I say 'what' you probably have a very good idea exactly what I'm referring to. Yes, it's true, it MIGHT be 'until you can say I do'. It's a really nice idea, but it wasn't that. Those who know me well are aware that I'm always falling into the trap of (inadvertently) trotting out euphemisms; 'Do you want a little bite of my muffin Darling?', 'It's in my box', 'those are nice buns'....the list goes on, most of my friends can't keep a straight face. So now you know what 'what' refers to. Oh dear, how am I going to avoid 'steaminess' in writing about what is after all one of the nicest bits about being a woman?
Dilution and Dilation are two things that go hand in hand for post-op girls. I'm talking about those 3 times a day dilations with hard Perspex. They have to happen regularly from the moment they remove your vaginal pack until well....forever! Dilution is optional. A little Videne (povidated iodine) diluted with water was suggested to me for vaginal douching by my GP it helps keeps internal and external wounds infection free; it really helps. What isn't optional is the dilation. Those daily sessions of stretching and maintaining the depth of a totally new part of your body are a painful essential. It's such a new part of you that even hearing a nurse say 'your vagina' and you having to say 'my vagina' seem incredibly odd at first....a bit like saying 'my husband' in the first few weeks after you are married (something else I'm so looking forward to now). Dilation seems to fascinate my boyfriend. For a while it really worried me. Dilation is so painful at first that it is truly difficult to imagine anyone pushing, let alone, forcing something in there. By 'something' I mean....well, you know what I mean. Use your imagination! The weeks go by and although things get easier, progress seems so slow. Nerve endings that were once in one place are starting to reconnect and are in another. Feelings when you dilate are incredibly raw and intense; at least they were for me. How would it ever change? I couldn't even begin to imagine.
A (Trans) friend suggested I try watching 'female friendly' erotic videos whilst dilating. Okay, so to you guys reading out there that's 'Porn'. Actually I find 'porn' a turn off; there's no slow sensual seduction or build up, no languorous teasing and heady romantic/erotic attraction. Inject all that back in, make it girl friendly and you've got me aroused. I found watching it and dilating helped. Strangely or maybe perfectly naturally, I began to associate intense sensation while dilating with pleasure and arousal. Bingo, it worked. Slowly but surely, dilation actually became comfortable and then rather nice. Some sessions even went on longer than I intended!
I had been concerned too about orgasm, doesn't every pre-op girl worry her little head off about that one? Dire warnings from the surgical team at my pre-surgical appointment and exam had made me nervous. You get warned that although you might have pleasant sensations post-op, some post-op girls can't reach a climax. Returning sensation left me wondering if I'd be like that too. For a girl who desperately wanted a boyfriend, romance and happiness in bed, that one was all too important to me, maybe it is to everybody.
Every girl should have a Rabbit....seriously, they are a truly essential 'girl's goody drawer' item. Add a flexible sex toy to that too....okay, if you insist, a dildo. 'Toys' are one thing, dilators another. As my boyfriend wrote in his own blog, Perspex dilators are not sex toys; they're too hard and unforgiving for that. They need to be rigid to maintain depth and width. Sex toys are different. At 8 weeks post-op, dilating with sex toys and watching girl friendly erotica, the temptation to raid your goody drawer becomes tantalising. When you succumb, there comes incredible relief at how nice it feels and how deliciously sharp and intense the feelings are. Orgasm when it finally arrived, crept up on me unawares; an enthralling involuntary onrush of sensations and sexperiences; an intense unavoidable skydive of exhilarating proportions and a glide down into utter marshmallow soft bliss.
Totally amazing; 18th June; delayed delight happened in the end. No girl was more relieved than I was that day; deliriously happy, tousled hair and a pretty post-orgasmic smile on my face. The event seemed so important that it made it both into my my diary and onto my calendar. Ridiculous as it now seems my second climax did too (a girl has to be sure that it wasn't just a fluke doesn't she?). After that climax and several more in quick succession, I stopped counting. It was like coming home. It became part of my life; a process of unashamedly enjoying my body and the feelings surrounding it: a sweet crescendo I could enjoy without the other icky 'wrong gender' stuff associated with it. By 'stuff', I mean....well, you know what I mean.
I said that my boyfriend had to wait until 'I could'; I hope that it was worth the wait, the putting up with me rushing off from lunch dates to dilate and missing me when I travelled down to Charing Cross Hospital. Travelling down for that all important post-op examination: An examination and hopefully a discharge from the care of Mr Bellringer's surgical team. The exam was uncomfy but okay. It was the first of several Gynae exams which seem much more routine now. The advice was caring and helpful. Yes you can have sex but be careful and gentle at first. 'Try dilating beforehand, use lots of lube and start with you on top'.....Try remembering that advice when you've been passionately kissing a guy for several minutes and he's slowly undressing you!
There is of course the whole side issue of losing your virginity for the second time in one's life but I'll leave that for another blog post. When I finally got to try it, it became clear that sex is very different to dilating. That became obvious very quickly. Part of the thrill for me and maybe for girls, is becoming someone else's, losing control and being pleasured, being (quite literally) in someone else's hands and becoming about as lovingly close as two people can get. Trust is a huge part of the equation and strangely, learning to let my boyfriend bring me to orgasm was all about becoming vulnerable and ceding control. Even after you begin to have sex, that has to wait for the right moment; the moment when you trust him absolutely; trust him to be caring but loving too.
For a girl whose romantic attachments have been dominated by an addiction to males who want to control me, that wasn't easy. I was surprised how quickly it happened. How rapidly after falling in love that I was willing to be his. It was a delayed delight, but delayed for a remarkably short time in the end. I am a lucky girl, I know, to have found such a caring, supportive romantic and deeply loving guy as Martin. Becoming HIS so absolutely and utterly has been way easier than I expected. Having the ultimate pleasure of climax with him even more so.