Speaking as a Trans Mom, I wonder how many of us really think all that clearly about how transitioning will affect the dynamic of our relationships with those closest to us. Certainly I had plenty of time to think but not in a very rational way. Instead, I grew up with a fear of disappointing people around me.
Before I began to transition, and for many years previous to that I worried and feared about what might happen if I ever had the courage to come out to my family and friends or even to discuss with them how I felt. As an older child and later as a teenager, I knew that there were multiple expectations about who I was and what I might become. To various people in my life, I was a son, grandson, nephew, mate, and boyfriend. I might have been really uncomfortable being all those things but that was how other people expected me to be. I learned to conform and try to live up to those expectations only to make myself increasingly depressed and suicidal.
I have two daughters. One now an adult, the other almost 17. My youngest was a preteen girl when I began my transition and we moved in to an apartment in the town where we live now. Yes, I did expect the horrors of being a trans woman caring for a child. I knew that I might encounter problems with dealing with schools, clinics and hospitals. Who was I? people wanted to know. My daughter’s Auntie? her Mom? her Mom’s friend? I had the bitter experience early in my transition of having to take my daughter to hospital late at night, minus my make-up and my hair in a mess. I was challenged and interrogated about who I was. Later following my inevitable complaint the documents released reluctantly by the hospital showed that I had been recorded as ‘a man dressed as a woman’. No, what took me unawares at first was dealing with my daughter’s first periods, talking about boys, listening to her problems with other girls at school, being a comforting Mom, teaching make-up skills, helping her choose clothes, basically just being a Mom.
I was no more prepared either for the responsibilities and of being a ‘good’ daughter and caring for my aging parents, becoming essentially a ‘sister’ to my ex-partner, an auntie to my nephews and nieces and strangest of all, BFF and confidante to a long time friend going through an acrimonious divorce with her husband. I have embraced and enjoyed all of this as being part of my life. It came as a welcome and not wholly expected ‘extra’ to coming out and transitioning.
All of this is really controversial stuff if I pause to think about it. I’m describing I suppose what society thinks as essentially female roles and skills. I’m well aware that many of my (former!) feminist friends would look down (no, do look down) on the way I have slipped into what are essentially traditional female roles. I have occasionally been used (misused?) as an example of ‘the dangerous practice of transgenderism’. I have also been accused of swapping one set of expectations about being male, for those of being female.
I didn’t covet the role of Mom, carer and homemaker. Like many women my age, born in the late 50’s I have taken it on because I enjoyed seeing my family grow and blossom and was willing to take on all the other jobs that ‘went with it’. I enjoy being a Mom because I enjoy caring and nurturing and because I love my daughters. I love them to bits. Do I need any other justification? I hope not. That I am a Trans Mom is by the by. I am a Mom first and foremost and Trans second. I hope that makes sense.
I would love to hear how other LGBT Men and Women have coped with their changing relationships. Let me know :-)
Before I began to transition, and for many years previous to that I worried and feared about what might happen if I ever had the courage to come out to my family and friends or even to discuss with them how I felt. As an older child and later as a teenager, I knew that there were multiple expectations about who I was and what I might become. To various people in my life, I was a son, grandson, nephew, mate, and boyfriend. I might have been really uncomfortable being all those things but that was how other people expected me to be. I learned to conform and try to live up to those expectations only to make myself increasingly depressed and suicidal.
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| Myself and Beth, my youngest daughter |
Only now after over 6 years of transitioning have I come to the realisation of how being a woman has has changed my role within my extended family and how much I’ve had to learn in a short space of time. Far more than make-up, vocal and deportment skills and way beyond dressing appropriately and passing.
I have two daughters. One now an adult, the other almost 17. My youngest was a preteen girl when I began my transition and we moved in to an apartment in the town where we live now. Yes, I did expect the horrors of being a trans woman caring for a child. I knew that I might encounter problems with dealing with schools, clinics and hospitals. Who was I? people wanted to know. My daughter’s Auntie? her Mom? her Mom’s friend? I had the bitter experience early in my transition of having to take my daughter to hospital late at night, minus my make-up and my hair in a mess. I was challenged and interrogated about who I was. Later following my inevitable complaint the documents released reluctantly by the hospital showed that I had been recorded as ‘a man dressed as a woman’. No, what took me unawares at first was dealing with my daughter’s first periods, talking about boys, listening to her problems with other girls at school, being a comforting Mom, teaching make-up skills, helping her choose clothes, basically just being a Mom.
I was no more prepared either for the responsibilities and of being a ‘good’ daughter and caring for my aging parents, becoming essentially a ‘sister’ to my ex-partner, an auntie to my nephews and nieces and strangest of all, BFF and confidante to a long time friend going through an acrimonious divorce with her husband. I have embraced and enjoyed all of this as being part of my life. It came as a welcome and not wholly expected ‘extra’ to coming out and transitioning.
All of this is really controversial stuff if I pause to think about it. I’m describing I suppose what society thinks as essentially female roles and skills. I’m well aware that many of my (former!) feminist friends would look down (no, do look down) on the way I have slipped into what are essentially traditional female roles. I have occasionally been used (misused?) as an example of ‘the dangerous practice of transgenderism’. I have also been accused of swapping one set of expectations about being male, for those of being female.
I didn’t covet the role of Mom, carer and homemaker. Like many women my age, born in the late 50’s I have taken it on because I enjoyed seeing my family grow and blossom and was willing to take on all the other jobs that ‘went with it’. I enjoy being a Mom because I enjoy caring and nurturing and because I love my daughters. I love them to bits. Do I need any other justification? I hope not. That I am a Trans Mom is by the by. I am a Mom first and foremost and Trans second. I hope that makes sense.
I would love to hear how other LGBT Men and Women have coped with their changing relationships. Let me know :-)
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