Take a break from your blog to work on your music and time seems to go into 8x fast forward mode. It doesn't seem above a week since I was writing that I had been given a surgery and pr-op date for next year. Now it IS next year and my pre-op is just over a month away. Things I hadn't paid much mind to because of the Holidays now seem to be looming; who will look out for my teenage daughter? Who can come down and escort me back home, when can I find the time to shop and get in all the things I need for after my discharge? I suppose, more to the point is, how will I cope when I cease hormone treatment 6 weeks before surgery. As I write, the day I have to give them up is only twenty four days away! The thought of a Trans woman without hormones and a Bipolar daughter sharing the same house is a rather scary one.
This is all very strange. I started out on this journey almost ten years ago after a lifetime of knowing who I was inside but yearning to be free. For years nothing seemed to happen. I was treated at a North Wales GIC that offered me almost nothing, had an endocrinologist who put me on a hormone regime so cautious that it had virtually no effect and got so little support that my hairdresser became my best friend. 18 months ago I met an endocrinologist who boosted my treatment to six times my previous level; a kick ass therapist who wouldn't take no for an answer where gatekeepers were concerned and a psychiatrist who seemed to realize that I needed to make up for lost time. Looking back on those 18 months they seem like a rocket ride. Maybe I seemed so far from my goal at the time that I didn't realize how fast I was actually traveling. Twenty four days from now I suspect it will feel like turning off auto pilot and landing a 747 on an unfamiliar runway with too much throttle. I hope I get down in one piece and look after all those alongside me who deeply depend on me. Here's keeping my fingers crossed.
My sister has said that she'll be there for me yet she's a busy woman with all too many cares of her own. I owe so much to her for all her support. It is so generous and unselfish. I still can't help worrying about my daughter and how she'll cope even though I know that there'll be a safe pair of hands to hold her. It's painful to think of my daughter being in crisis and me being unable to reach her or comfort her. I try not to think about that over much.
While I make all these final approaches, it's been good to finally feel I can look back at the journey and appreciate how far I've come. The past supercharged eighteen months has encompassed so many things. I've felt and looked better, been free from those awful male hormonal feelings and been able to live life as me. For a change. I've moved from a B&W to a color existence. It's been a period of completing and recording songs that have sat inside me for half a lifetime waiting to be written. It's been a time of making new friends and accumulating the most amazing set of fans, almost 5K of them. I've had a blissful time of compliments and comments that I never imagined possible and I've also had the confidence to return to music as a woman; one with a mission to make up for lost time. Ten years ago all this would have seemed impossible. Today I found my star had risen to the dizzy heights of no. 11 in the UK Blues Charts on Reverbnation. 18 months ago I wouldn't have even been able to start the climb.
This then is time for a big thank you. For all those who accepted me on my coming out, for those who supported me through the tears and the frustrations. For the fans who helped me believe in myself too and for everyone that has complimented or said something to make me smile. That includes you guys out there, the ones who read my blog posts and the ordinary people around me who acknowledge me as a woman and just another of the ladies they work with.
Hugs, Robyn-Jane xox :)