Saturday, October 27, 2012

Longed for events and the number 13

I was married aged 21 but at age 13 life seemed like a long corridor going on forever. When I finally began to enjoy school in my final year, suddenly graduation day seemed to loom up out of nowhere. Some events surprise you with their suddenness, others never seem likely to happen and then creep up on you unawares. Now, after seven years waiting for a milestone event to appear it has finally come around at last, indeed I could hardly believe it when I returned home and found the long awaited envelope lying on my door mat.

Longed for events can become a huge part of our lives, not only the event itself but also the process of , yearning and expectation that goes with it. When I was in my late teens it was trying to find that big love of my life, in my late twenties and early thirties it was longing for a baby. At those times I seemed to be either surrounded by those who had already paired up or who were expecting babies. At this point I could be rather cynical and say that these days the same couples seem hard set on divorce or hoping that their twenty something year old offspring will move out and get a job. For a number of my friends the longed for event is a achieving transition. One by one, they seem to have undergone GRS and moved on.

The letter on my doormat was from Charing Cross Hospital, London. I now have a pre-op assessment on the 5th of March next year and my admission date is set for the 9th of April 2013. Whilst it was not unexpected, I hadn't imagined I would have a date anytime soon. Things here in Wales generally happen in years, not in months and I only saw the consultant at Charing Cross in September this year. Now I've accepted both dates and am trying to plan out a careful path through this next phase of my life. As I work in a College it will mean disappearing from professional life from Easter next year until the start of a new College year, Wow!

Until now, my focus has been on earning a living, being a Mom and trying to deal with bits of anatomy no woman should ever have to live with, unless on her favorite guy! Now the horizon has changed. I have a fixed point in sight and it's an unusual feeling. I have a mixture of absolute elation at having gotten a surgery date, trepidation at forthcoming surgery and concern about how the rest of my lovely family will cope.

For a girl who enjoyed her thrirteenth birthday on Friday the 13th I guess big changes in my life seem to cluster around the number thirteen. Problems at school and difficulty coping, kicked off big style around my thirteenth year as testosterone began to have it's devastating and unwanted effects. Double it and I decided to make a big change of direction aged 26; I uprooted my life in North East England and made the trek back to College to do a four year post grad degree. Triple it to 39 and I'd quit my Project Officer job to become a College teacher, quadruple it to 52 and I finally met a Psychotherapist who would take my case seriously and actually help me. You could call it all superstition, I hope it isn't. My life just seems to have turned out this way. Just to be sure though I'm including 13 studio tracks on the CD music album I hope to finally complete next year! Well maybe...

I can't predict the future, I can only guess. I'm looking forward to a period of resolution of the tensions inside me and finally felling like a whole coherent person. It's been a rough and sometimes deeply lonely journey so far and mentally painful. I need a break from all that. Yes, I know that undergoing surgery and recovery will be painful too and not without their own problems. I've known that all along and yet I am so glad to have reached this place. As Fall 2012 comes around and the year plays it's outtro I'm wondering exactly how all these changes will leave me feeling come this time next year.

Well, I'm going to find out :)




  1. A sit here smiling deeply for you - so so glad that the end of this process is finally now in sight. There might be a big hurdle still to jump but I read of no doubts - just a belief and knowledge that this is the right decision. Recovery from any operation is challenging but some challenges have to be faced to find peace in our lives.


  2. Just coming up to nine months since my op and I can tell you life is better than I ever imagined, I can hardly remember the old unwanted bits ever really being there...

    As someone who used to never be able to swallow an aspirin and had total fear at having skin cut i found the whole operation far less painful than I expected.

    Recovery really did take the twelve weeks that they say it will and with your summer break added on to allow you to really get back to fitness I think that you have won a lottery prize of sorts.

    Wales really does know how to make you suffer but patience has got you there. I am sure that you have others closer to chat to but you can find me if you need...

    So happy for you.

  3. Thanks so much Caroline and Becca. I have longed for this event for so long, there is no pain that will stop me. It's so useful to have your observations on the pain Caroline and Becca you really summed up how I feel. In a strange way maybe it's good that I had to wait so long, there is nothing like that for testing how convinced you feel about a decision :)


    Robyn-Jane x

  4. I hope all is still good for you and you are nearer to getting a date.

  5. Thanks Becca, I really need to update my blog. I have my admission date for surgery set for April 9th this year if all goes well at the pre-op on the 5th March. I cease hormones in mid Feb which I'm not looking forward to, but there we go, hugs Jane xx

  6. I hope that when you are out of the hospital and feeling better, you will dedicate yourself even more to music and writing. With songwriting, there's the ability to create with bits and snatches of imagery. For me, it's more of a quick fix. Whereas prose, there's the ability to convey more thoroughly, to let the viewer in to see things blow by blow. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hope you do both, and treat us all to your journey.

  7. Monkkey, thanks so much for the inspiration. Yes, that is my intention. Songs are snapshots however artistic and detailed they tend to be moments frozen in time. Prose pieces are like movies, poems like shorts and trailers. I look forward to doing more writing. The music will happen and continue happening, you can be sure of that,

    Hugs, Jane xox