Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Will it be different this year?

I have to confess, there was a time when he filled me with wild expectations.  He really thrilled me with the promise of a seriously good time.  I looked around at other girls having all of that sparkle and romance, the gorgeous glittering gifts, the candlelit dinners and the warm firesides.  I longed to have some of that for myself and he seemed to offer just what I needed in my life; pretty dresses, exquisite jewellery, perfume, things to pamper myself and maybe even some girly toys.  I tried desperately to get to meet him on a number of occasions.  He was always so popular I could hardly ever get near him.  I wrote to him longingly and sometimes he wrote back but never quite what I expected. Was I setting myself up to be disappointed?

Yes, there were good times, and gifts but he never seemed to choose the right things.  When I saw other girls so much in love, getting pretty things, all I got was the seriously useful or things that others might have liked but I never did.  By the time I was in my teens I had pretty much fallen out of love with him.

When I decided to have children, he came right back into my life with a smile.  You know, I really thought that it could work back then.  How often do you get a guy that sensitive and kind, a big hit with the kids, gets on well with them, keeps them entertained while you cook dinner?  He really made things work and the presents he gave the children were pretty and gorgeous.  It made me kinda sad that I had never seen that side of him when I was younger.

Now, the kids have more or less grown up.  Our relationship if you can call it that anymore has gone kinda cold.  He thinks that somehow by coming around earlier and staying longer he can somehow charm me and rekindle that romance.  It doesn't work like that and sometimes I wonder if he really understands or whether it's all take and no give these days.  I work so hard to get the place beautiful and nice for him, I'm forever out shopping and getting things in and quite frankly he's just draining my finances and giving very little back.

He thinks I confuse him with that religious guy I used to think he resembled.  Now I'm not sure how I ever got them confused.  Where did it all go wrong?

Seriously girls, I am the only one like this? Did anyone else spend their transgendered childhood longing for the girly gifts they never got? The train set that my Daddy wanted to me to have would have pleased any boy except perhaps one who would have been happier in a dress.  I'm so glad that I have seen the magic of my own two girls getting the Christmas they wanted but I still long for what I missed, just as I cry over the children I never gave birth to.

Santa, honey, don't forget the transgendered girls and boys this Christmas.


  1. Santa is not very bright! And I made it clear from a very early age that I hated presents and parties so didn't have them...

    This year I get to have a large christmas party here but sadly I have heard that santa cannot afford a present even after all those decades of saving in the past, oh well...

  2. I have sat here with memories whirling through my head. So many times, so many disapointments.

    I can recall many occasions when I said what I was hoping for, only to be told that the item could only be given to girls. Even when I didn't say anything, the sense of sadness that my prayers hadn't been answered, was difficult to control.

    As the years rolled on I knew not to ask but can well remember the jealousy that even the big man in red seemed to get it all wrong as well.

    The adult brain still finds it hard getting 'socks and screwdrivers' - thankfully these days I get to have another unwrapping session with my partner later in the evening. That's more like it !

  3. Thanks for the lovely comments girls, good to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this :)


    Robyn-Jane xx