Well this is a change. It is so good to feel that things might actually be going somewhere instead of drifting in an ocean with no real destination insight. One of the rubbish things about being Trans is that you've probably felt this way like forever, and even if not, you've always felt uncomfortable and in the wrong place. There are times when it feels like that is just going to go on forever, that you'll die like this. At times maybe you think that to die like this would be the only way of controlling it. No Trans person should have to ever feel like that, but the reality is that they do I guess. Just about the only thing that focusses your mind is feeling that maybe someone might care enough to offer some help. Of course, screwing up the courage to ask for that is another thing entirely. What you do want to feel when you finally pluck up the courage to ask for help is that someone does something to help. Over the last seven years there have been a lot of promises of help, funding, support, caring, but from a health care point of view very little of it has become a reality.
Seems it was left to my friends, my hair stylist and my electrolysist to save the the day. For women in general, we battle our whole life with hair, trying to make it do what we want it to, trying to look more desirable and also getting rid of it where we hate it to be. I spoke in an earlier blog about the confidence having my hair styled gave me but my electrolysist has worked quietly for years, week in, week out removing hair that would hopefully never return. For years I have had a standing appointment at 5.15 on a Tuesday evening which I never failed to attend. She is a lovely down to earth lady with a never ending chatter to distract me while she works her magic. A few weeks ago she spoke those longed for words. 'If you need me again, call me'. Tuesday at 5.15 is now free for other things. Yey, I'm hair free! That's one thing to be positive about.
Your life ends up being about transition with a small 't', the everyday transition of hair straightening, make up, and choosing clothes and accessories that make you feel good and confident. I know enough from other women around me who are close friends to realise that isn't just a trans thing. We know that it's an illusion but who hasn't primped and tidied themselves hurriedly when going to the loo so that HE doesn't see you as you really look first thing in the morning or as you look when you've battled through windy streets to the office. All these things are everyday and in a way I actually love their part in my everyday life. Don't ask me why. I have feminist acquaintances who think they know. They're entitled to their opinion but as they never really seem to me to enjoy life either, I tend to discount their arguments.
The big 'T', the hope of finally completing transition always seems very distant however and even when decisions get made or things happen they seem to happen in slow motion. It is probably as well I suppose. If you can manage for years as neither totally male or female at least it does help convey the truth that you haven't made an incredibly rash decision. When things do happen faster however, it is a very welcome change. Hot on the heels of my finishing electrolysis comes my transition (there goes that word again) to a 3 fold increase in my HRT. I haven't even had my first Prostap injection but already I'm aware of feeling a lot better. Okay, so I do feel as though I have PMT much of the time and as everyone knows Moms with PMT and teenage daughters with High School stress make for an explosive combination. All the same I am so glad that I've got here. Knowing that I have a surgical referral in 2 months time if all goes to plan, really helps as well. It does feel as though I'm finally living.
I've had my hopes raised before, but not my oestrogen levels as well. All this makes a pleasant change. I'm going to discipline myself to stay confident now whatever. My recent depression over my father's death seems a strange time to put together a new song but. I did. If you follow me on Reverbnation you'll know I posted a new song there called 'Journey' which uses the phrase 'I'm finally Living' in the chorus. Apologies if you've already taken a listen. I know that it's not well mixed and a fairly bare and badly sung version of what I want it to be but it IS how I feel right now, which is way better than I have for some time.