So, this is it! The climax to 7 years of 'dating' Psychiatrists and Therapists; the culmination of over 84 months of living, working and being a woman, the endless foreplay of practice flirting with guys and never being able to go further than second base; of constant teasing that surgery might be 'this summer' or 'next year' :D After all that 'excitement' the past 5 weeks of being without hormones has been difficult, well and truly!
Coming to a climax point in my life and being so hormonally challenged, brings me to the subject of orgasm. Orgasms have always been something with which I've had a love/hate relationship. They can be pleasurable but bring with them the awful reminder of the anatomy I was born with yet never seemed to belong to me. Coming to orgasm is difficult for many Trans people. Sexual arousal from being touched combines an instinctive and inevitable reaction with feeling uncomfortable about who you are. It makes getting aroused very difficult. Growing up, I learned to live inside my head because I could be female there. Having a sexual fantasy that you are a woman and one you feel yourself to be, is easy in your head. Whilst having sex, not so easy! With self pleasuring, it works....at least until you come. With another person it becomes a bizarre balancing act; maintaining your female persona internally whilst responding outwardly as a male :( In Gay sex, it can be better but having been on both sides or the divide I know that Gay sex can be so different; more masculine (well that's a given Jane!) more vocal and more shared knowledge of who you both are and how you respond. None of that works awfully well for a T-Girl and it's partly that that finally convinced me I wasn't Gay but actually Trans.
Orgasm with no sex hormones is painful and difficult. Some will tell you that it can't happen at all. They're wrong. Having had to live with the sexual stimulation being so much in my head it does work for me but also leads me to wonder what sex will be like after I recover from surgery...Some Trans women complain about not being able to achieve orgasm. Sometimes they blame the surgeon or the procedure. I haven't been there yet so I don't know. Sex isn't the be all and end all for me. It has always been problematic. Romance and kissing is so much easier in comparison but when he starts to put his hand down my pants or up my dress it gets complicated. That's even before we start all the ridiculous expectations some men have about 'sex with a 'shemale''. So, If I end up unable to orgasm but whole as a woman, I'm happy to accept that. If I can have pleasure and good feelings it will be a bonus but it isn't a deal breaker.
I'll let you know, when the time comes! First I have to deal with surgery and recovery...starting next week! Even if I can't have orgasm, I have to have friendship and coffee. It felt so reassuring today when friends came round to wish me luck and to remind me that they're here on hand when I come back and can't easily get out to the store to buy things or just want to chat. I love all my friends; Gay, Lesbian and Trans. I love my Straight friends too, but there's always a little gap of understanding which is sometimes harder than I expect, to bridge. If you're straight and yet you're reading my blog I guess I don't count you in all that.
Here's to friendship, and to orgasms, however and whenever we choose to have them!
Hugs and kisses,