Growing up, motherhood was something I could only dream of. Idealised girlhood fantasies of a handsome husband, a beautiful house and a brood of adorable children dominated my later childhood. Advertising bombards us with stereotypes and the image of a table full of hungry children (plus husband) eating cereal or a mother's lovingly cooked meals is very pervasive. I was a lonely, only child who dreamed of having siblings to play with. I envied other children who belonged to larger families. I now have an adoptive sister, but that's another story. What is important here however is why you should never give up on your dreams and wishes. Living to be a mother when you are a Trans teen girl seems about as probable as flying to the moon. Still, every Nativity and Mother's Day reminds you of how we celebrate Mums and how you'll never be one of them.
Motherhood can be tougher than you think. Trans Motherhood can be just as tough. I was diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder; these days seen as simply Gender Dysphoria. To grow up a woman I knew that I needed Gender Confirmation Surgery: Living my life in pieces with body parts that didn't belong just wasn't an option: It depressed me so much. I had already attempted to end my life. Aged 20 I entered what was to become a lesbian relationship and marriage. I'm not proud of what I did, I did it in a vain attempt to conform and have a family to belong to. A young infant (kindergarten) teacher, my school family of 25 children wasn't enough. My partner and I tried for a baby and failed. I realise now that our apparent infertility was due in large part to my Trans identity. For both of us, infertility was an enormous sorrow that dominated our lives and we sought medical help. When we did conceive it was a huge relief. Our two lovely children were precious miracles that neither of us had dreamed could happen. Essentially two Mums, at first we shared their care. Later I became a stay at home Mum when it made economic sense. When our marriage was later annulled (same sex marriage was then illegal in the UK) our children picked sides. My youngest chose to live with me and my eldest with my ex.
Things could have gone terminally sour and bitter. Our children, very much sibling rivals, spent little time together. As parents though we strove hard to redefine a relationship that stretched back to our own childhoods. As a result we each gained a new sister and I consider myself blessed to count her as a sibling. As we worked to redefine our sense of family, we both became single working mothers. I found how quickly, how tough being a Trans single Mum was. My dyspraxic and accident prone daughter needed constant care and I found myself attending the local hospital emergency department frequently. On two occasions, nursing staff reported me to Social Workers saying that my child had been injured and was accompanied by a man dressed as a woman. According to their notes, this same man claimed to be her mother. I learned the hard way that society can be very hard on you and your child. We ran the gauntlet at the local school, putting up with stares, name calling and stigmatisation. A fully qualified teacher, I took the only job I could get in a hurry; a low paid teaching assistant. Through it all my lovely daughter took my part, enduring the over curious questions from school companions. We both chose our friends carefully. I had little money and what I had I went on keeping a roof over our heads and bringing her up well. I had the constant support and help of my new sister and without her I would have been lost and lonely. Family had become very precious, but not the stereotypical TV one. On Mother's Day I got used to being rewarded with presents, cards and flowers by my daughter and it made me cry with emotion. It still makes me cry.
A single Mum, I was always frightened about dating. Mother and daughter can become a self sufficient unit and I was afraid of what a new partner might do to our little family. I didn't look for love until my daughter was in her High School senior year. She was looking for love at the same time and there were laughable moments when we realised that our experiences ran so parallel. She is now happy with her lovely and supportive girlfriend and if you follow this blog, you'll know that I myself met and married the man of my dreams.
They say that GCS leaves you feeling that you've been hit by a truck. It wasn't so for me. I healed quickly and easily but later when I married, nothing prepared me for the onrush of maternal feelings that hit me like an express train. Setting up home with the husband I had longed for, I desperately felt the need to plan and start a new family. Like the ghost of a menstrual cycle my hormones give me, those unbidden urges really hurt. The cramps and the mood swings remind me I'm a woman but I also know that I'm infertile too. No amount of babymaking, wishing, wanting and longing will bring us a new family. I have no regrets but infertility is a constant sorrow for women with a Trans history. I still cry about my unborn children, the names they would have borne and the joy they would have brought in making my husband a father. I know he would be the most amazing Dad. Indeed it was feeling secure in marriage and able to trust my loving husband that made me want a family again.
Women like Venice Allan and Germaine Greer would dismiss me as delusional and class my marriage as a Gay relationship. The woman you see above would be considered 'a man in a dress'. In the photo above the strap had fallen down briefly on my dress but I didn't care. I feel much the same about Greer and Allan's pronouncements on Trans women. A woman whose birth certificate says 'Girl', I have campaigned my whole life for women's rights. I grew up idolising the heroes of Second Wave feminism. I came to realise that my activism was wider than that. As feminists our struggle is intersectional. I have no idea how it feels to grow up a black African woman but I respect and uphold her right to equality and self determination. By the same token I know that my sisters respect and uphold my rights too. That a few hateful individuals refuse to accept that intersectional truth is beyond me. One thing I do know is that I am not a man. I do not need TERF permission or approbation to call myself a wife, mother and a woman, I simply am one.
HUGGS, Jane xx
No comments:
Post a Comment