February 14th hasn’t usually been a day I’ve looked forward to. Like some set meals, special offers and double beds, Valentine’s Day is designed for two and made for sharing. Romantic hotel break for one? I’ll give that one a miss I think!. Once mid January arrives shops are sure to have a huge selection of cards and gifts for your valentine but what if you don’t stand a chance? Given that the idea is to send an anonymous card to your crush and maybe a hint to your identity, you already have a totally raw deal. Being a straight trans girl, you become an expert in unrequited love. Girls who don’t know you or even realise you’re a girl get crushes on you. Guys you fancy don’t even know you’re interested in boys. It’s easy to get close to them but they just want to be mates. Gays with faulty gaydar think you’re interesting but it’s a total turn off for you….what a mess! For years, Valentine’s Day has been, at best, a non event and at worst, a painful reminder that love was not for me.
Yes I know, this all sounds rather pathetic. So many of us end up out of a relationship on Valentine’s Day, that you’re never really alone. The difference I guess comes down to hope. If you have been loved once then maybe there is a chance you will be loved back again: You’re stuck in the bleachers for now but one day you’ll be out there again; a cheerleader or a player. If you’re Trans you wouldn’t even be allowed in the stadium. To a depressed teenager at least, that’s how it seemed.
So this year, for the first time, things are the other way round entirely. For once I’m not a singleton or in a dysfunctional relationship. For once things are different on the Eve of Valentines Day…..
I wrote that yesterday. Now it’s today and Friday. Friday mornings are hectic; that 6.30 am alarm, the scramble to shower, straighten hair and put on makeup. The dash to the kitchen; hurrying a sparse breakfast and then off to work. Moments for interaction between me and an equally rushed boyfriend are as limited as our breakfasts! This morning has been so different; chocolates; the biggest card you ever saw, sparkling rosé, earrings and best of all, my truly gorgeous darling boyfriend; my dear Martin. Anyone who knows me is probably aware that I can talk for England. For once I barely knew what to say. I was overcome with tears: I was so incredibly happy. Over the years, you hope and hope and hope that one day maybe, just maybe, it might be you instead of the ten gazillion other people you see wandering about holding flowers and totally lost in each other’s eyes. This year it was ME and I’m oh so grateful. I still can’t believe this is happening to me :D
Hugs, Jane xx